This is War, Not a Game
by zukokatarafan
Summary: Oneshot, Crack!fanfic. It's the Cold War, and all the nations are having their weekly Risk tournament. Slight hints of RoChu, USUK, and ChinaUK, human names used. T for language.


Alfred gasped.

"Arthur... How could you do this to me..." he looked sadly at Arthur. Arthur looked at him, with tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Alfred, but there's no other choice," Arthur said, "I declare war on Gaul."

"Why, Arthur? Why? I thought we were allies! In a special relationship?"

"I need to do this, Alfred. I'm sorry,"

"This game is quite fun, da?," Ivan said cheerfully as Arthur and Alfred began to roll the dice.

"For an American game, it is quite good, aru," Yao said, "I'm glad that we're allies, Ivan."

"Da, don't worry, Yao, I won't ever betray you, unlike those capitalists..." Ivan said, referring to Arthur and Alfed.

"Arthur, I can't believe that you're doing that to poor Alfred. Shouldn't you two be going after Ivan and Yao instead?," Francis said. He had lost the game a long time ago.

"Hai, Arthur-san, I agree with Francis," said Kiku, "I thought that you, Alfred, Feliciano, Ludwig and I were teaming up against Ivan and Yao." Alfred winked at Kiku and Francis.

"Who do you think is going to win, Lovi?," Antonio said to Lovino, who had allowed Feliciano to play for him instead.

"Hopefully not that potato bastard..." Lovino said.

"Ok, I declare war on Siam!," shouted Alfred, "Because I'm the hero!"

"You git! That wasn't part of our plan! You were supposed to go after Ivan in Argentina!," shouted Arthur.

"Ah, so you had a plan beforehand. It is a very good strategy, da?," Ivan asked, "How long have you been planning your moves beforehand?"

"Ve, well, Arthur came up with the idea last week, so we planned everything out then," Feliciano said, not noticing Arthur's motions to try and silence him.

"Yes, Yao and I have been doing the same thing for years. It is good that you finally caught on to how to win at Risk," said Ivan.

"So that's why you guys have won every world Risk tournament for the last few years! Cheaters!," Alfred yelled.

"Since you did the same thing, doesn't that make you the cheaters, aru?," asked China.

"Ah... well... you might have a point there... but at least we never test our strategies out before hand! Bruder told me all about how you and Yao always play Risk against him, Elizaveta, Toris, Feliks, and all the other nations under your sphere of influence!," Ludwig shouted.

"Oh? Gilbert, did you really say any such thing to Ludwig?," Ivan said, turning towards Gilbert. Ivan still wore his childish smile, yet even the air around him felt cold. Poor Raivis looked as if he might faint, and Eduard and Toris were quivering.

"Uh... Ludwig, I think Gilbert was just kidding when he said that!," Elizavelta said nervously.

"No, I was being dead serious. They do it all the time! Like-" But before Gilbert could finish, he was struck on the head with a frying pan. "I mean... yeah... I was just joking, like she said!"

Ivan beamed. "That is what I thought you would say." He turned back to face Yao, and the gameboard. "Now where were we?," he asked.

"I think Arthur was just about to give me control of India, aru," Yao said, "After all, you know that you should, to make up for the Opium Wars..." Yao reached out, gently running his fingers through Arthur's soft, blond hair. The European nation blushed fiercely, meeting Yao's eyes for a moment before he pulled away.

"Like hell I would! Alfred, declare war on Afghanistan next, so that we can go after China on our next turns," Arthur replied.

"Got it, Iggy!," he said cheerily. "Ivan! I declare war on Afghanistan!," he said, tossing Ivan the dice.

"Arthur, do you really think it's a good idea to shout out your plans like that?," Matthew said. But as usual, no one noticed him.

"Ganbatte, Alfred!," Kiku said, watching quietly while eating onigiri. Even though everyone else loved Risk, Kiku just didn't enjoy it as much. Sure, he had helped Arthur, Alfred and Ludwig plan out the strategies, but, as always, he did his best to get eliminated as quickly as possible, and get his territories into the hands of his friends.

"Dammit!," Alfred shouted as he took 3 of his blue soldiers off of Ural. Ivan smirked.

"You don't have to go on with this if you don't want to..," Ivan said teasingly with a smile. "After all, if you lose, too many people, I can attack you from Siberia on my next turn. You are in enemy territory, after all, da."

"Scheiße!," Ludwig swore, "I didn't notice that before, but he controls Siberia and Ukraine! He can attack you on two sides next turn, and we could have attacked China from Ural. I think it's better to stop attacking!,"

"A hero never gives up!," Alfred replied, shooting Ludwig one of his brilliant grins. He didn't see Ludwig slap his hand to his face. It took several more rolls of the dice, but eventually, Alfred won that area.

"Alright! See, I told you guys I could totally win this-!,"Alfred said cheering. Unfortunately, when he threw his arms up, accidentally hitting Toris, who was carrying some coffee. It spilled all over the Risk board, the pot displacing almost all of the little army men.

"No! Alfred, what that bloody hell have you done!," Arthur screamed. Toris looked mortified, and Ivan was practically glaring daggers through Alfred.

"I'm so sorry!," Alfred bawled, genuinely upset. Arthur and Toris each put a hand on Alfred's shoulder comfortingly, something that made Ivan look even more upset.

"So the game is like, totally over for today then?," asked Feliks. Ludwig sighed.

"Well, I think we can all agree that there'd be no use in restarting now..," said Ludwig. Yao nodded in agreement.

"Da, we can just start a new game at next week's tournament," said Ivan. He whispered something into Yao's ear, and the smaller nation smirked.

"And I'll buy a new gameboard before then," said Alfred. The nations cleaned up, and then each went home and parted ways.

"See, guys, I told you my plan of you somehow 'accidentally' spilling coffee on the board would seriously work!," Feliks said.

"I have to admit, I think we all doubted you at first, Feliks, but in the end, you were right," Eduard said in agreement.

"Eh, the awesome me could have probably thought up a better plan," Gilbert said, "Still, your plan was pretty kick ass!"

"I mean, those Risk nights were getting so annoying, with us always getting caught in the middle, having to stay up until 5 AM and being expected to work the next day," Toris agreed, "We had to do something."

"Yes... and now I get to spend more time alone with older brother," Natalia said.

"This benefited us all, at least I totally think so," Feliks said cheerfully.


End file.
